remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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