i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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