I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
