I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
