So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
