hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
