that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
