Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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