it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
