I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
