mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i drank out of a bidet.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
