I'm going to jail i love you
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
