we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I did not marry a roomba.
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