I think scott just propositioned me for sex
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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