so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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