Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
