he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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