I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
