just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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