i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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