I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
