we have pet lesbian snakes
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
