Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
