why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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