if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
