What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
