that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
