mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
