before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
