Moan for me like Helen Keller
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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