tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I need to stop coming to work sober
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
