He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
