bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
