I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
