I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
