Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
