my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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