In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
