Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Just puked most of my soul out..
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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