My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
