When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
