I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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