Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
he just fucked me for my cheese..
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
