You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
