I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
