If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
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