matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
