I wish I only lived at night.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
