enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
