I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
